If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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