There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
