I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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