remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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