Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
