I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
