remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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