Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
