based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
