On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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