i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
