apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
