it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
