Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
