halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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