Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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