Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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