So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
