Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
