Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
