Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
