tonight lets celebrate not being married
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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