the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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