2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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