something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
