So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
