getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
