maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
