Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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