i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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