you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
