I'm so fucking centered right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
