no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
