Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
