my room smells like sperm. sweet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
