Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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