Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
