Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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