I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
