If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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