when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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