Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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