I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
