She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
