I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
