I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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