I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
