escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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