Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
