Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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