I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
