You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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